Dad: You're a Catholic the moment Dad came, Because: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate...
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Dad: You're a Catholic the moment Dad came, Because: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate...
Grim Reaper: Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls.
Maitre d': And finally, a wafer thin mint.
Maitre d': I am so sorry, I didn't realise we had a racist working here!
Strange Man: And it went... wherever I... did go.
Mum: Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their, Semen with more care...
Humphrey: Oh, no, do share your little joke with the rest of the class.
'Meaning of Life' Singer: In this 'life', what is our fate? Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate? Is mankind evolving, or is it too late?
Dad: You're a Catholic the moment Dad came, Because: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate...
Grim Reaper: Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls.
Maitre d': And finally, a wafer thin mint.
Maitre d': I am so sorry, I didn't realise we had a racist working here!
Fish # 5: Oh, shit, it's Mr. Creosote!
Strange Man: And it went... wherever I... did go.
Dad: You're a Catholic the moment Dad came, Because: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate...
Maitre d': I am so sorry, I didn't realise we had a racist working here!
Mum: Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their, Semen with more care...
Mrs. Moore: Is it a boy or a girl? Obstretrician: I think it's a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?
Man in Pink: Whenever life gets you down Mrs. Brown / and things seem hard or tough / and people are stupid, obnoxious or daft / and you feel that you've had quite enough! / just remember that your standing on a planet thats evolving / revolving at nine-hundred miles an hour / its orbiting at ninety miles a second / so its reckoned / a sun that is the source of all our power / the sun and you and me / and all the stars that we can see / are moving at a million miles a day / in an outer spiral arm at forty-thousand miles an hour / of the galaxy we call the Milky Way / Our galaxy itself / contains a hundred billion stars / its a hundred thousand lightyears side to side / it bulges in the middle / sixteen-thousand lightyears thick / but out by us its just three-thousand lightyears wide / were thirty-thousand lightyears from galatic central point / we go round every two-hundred-million years / and our galaxy is only one of millions of billions in this amazing and expanding universe. Man in Pink: The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding / in all of the directions it can whiz / as fast as it can go / the speed of light you know / twelve million miles a minute and thats the fastest speed there is / so remember when your feeling very small and insecure / how amazingly unlikely is your birth / and pray that there intelligent life somewhere up in space / cause theres bugger all down here on Earth. Mrs. Brown: Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it? Dr. Spenser: Can we have your liver, then? Mrs. Brown: Yes, alright, you talked me into it.
Exec #1: Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life" Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this. Exec #2: Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: People aren't wearing enough hats. Two: Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this "soul" does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. Exec #3: What was that about hats again? Exec #2: Oh, Uh... people aren't wearing enough. Exec #1: Is this true? Exec #4: Certainly. Hat sales have increased but not pari passu, as our research... Exec #3: "Not wearing enough"? enough for what purpose? Exec #5: Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted... Exec #5: Has anyone noticed that building there before?
Hospital Administrator: And what are you doing this morning? Obstetrician: It's a birth. Hospital Administrator: Ah. And what sort of thing is that? Dr. Spenser: Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. Hospital Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowdays.
Maitre d': Good afternoon, sir, and how are we today? Mr. Creosote: Better. Maitre d': Better? Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
Grim Reaper: Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death. Geoffrey: Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
Gaston: You see that house? That is where I was born. My mother said to me, "Garcon. The world is a beautiful place, and you must spread joy and contentment everywhere you go". And so I became a waiter... Well, I know it is not a great philosophy but... Gaston: Well, fuck you. I can live my life in my own way if I want to. Gaston: Fuck off. Don't come following me.
Paitent: What do I do? Dr. Spenser: Nothing, dear! You're not qualified!
Strange Man: I wonder where that fish has gone! Transvestite: You did love it so! You looked after it like a son! Strange Man: Strange Man: And it went... where-ever I... did go! Transvestite: Is it in the cupboard? Audience: Yes! Yes! Transvestite: Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish! Transvestite: And it went... where-ever I... did go! Audience: It's behind the sofa! Transvestite: Where can that fish be? Audience: Have you searched the drawers in the bureau? Transvestite: Transvestite: It was a most elusive fish. Strange Man: Strange Man: And it went... where-ever I... did go! Transvestite: Ohhh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! Strange Man: A fish, a fish, a fish, a fishy, ohhh! Transvestite: Ohhh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! Strange Man: Strange Man: That went... where-ever I... did go! Audience: Look up his trunks! Yes, in his trousers!
General: But of course warfare isn't all fun. Right, stop that! It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers the meaning of life, it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. And without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against other, perhaps more aggresive ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear. That is why we'll always need an Army, and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise. Sergeant-Major: Don't stand there gawping! Like you've never seen the hand o' God before!
Humphrey: Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? Humphrey: Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? Pupils: Uh, no, sir. No, sir. Humphrey: Well, had I done foreplay? Pupils: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Humphrey: Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs. Biggs: Um, don't know. Sorry, sir. Humphrey: Carter? Carter: Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir? Humphrey: Well, a-and after that? Wymer: Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir. Humphrey: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
Eric's Assistant: Hello, can we have your liver? Mr. Brown: What? Eric's Assistant: Your liver. It's a large, eh, glandular organ in your abdomen. You know, it's, uh, it's reddish-brown. It's sort of, uh... Mr. Brown: Yeah, y - y - yeah, I know what it is; but, I'm using it.
Obstetrician: More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V. Nurse #1: Yes. Certainly, Doctor. Dr. Spencer: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'. Obstetrician: And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.
Mrs. Moore: What's that for? Obstetrician: That's the machine that goes 'ping'. It lets us know that your baby is STILL ALIVE!
Grim Reaper: I am the Grim Reaper. Geoffrey: Who? Grim Reaper: The Grim Reaper. Geoffrey: Yes, I see. Grim Reaper: I am death. Geoffrey: Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight, and... Angela: Who is it, darling? Geoffrey: It's a 'Mr. Death' or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.
Mr. Brown: Listen, I can't give it to you now. It says, "In the event of death." Dr. Spenser: No one has ever had their liver taken out by us and survived.
Gaston: My mother told me, "Gaston, there are many people in the world, and in order to get along, you have to try and make everyone happy." That is why I became a waiter, so I can make people happy. Gaston: Well, fuck you! I can live my life in my own way if I want to! Fuck off! Don't come a following me!
