George Carlin: Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
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George Carlin: Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin: People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin: If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?
George Carlin: How come when it's with us, it's an 'abortion', and when it's with chickens it's an 'omelet'?
George Carlin: Wouldn't you like to see Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?
George Carlin: Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
George Carlin: Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?
George Carlin: Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin: People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin: Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
George Carlin: If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?
George Carlin: How come when it's with us, it's an 'abortion', and when it's with chickens it's an 'omelet'?
George Carlin: Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?
George Carlin: Wouldn't you like to see Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?
George Carlin: "You know where you can stick it." Well, why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it? Suppose you don't know; suppose you're a new guy. You have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled "Where to Stick It." George Carlin: Now that I think of it, I believe there *is* a government booklet like that. They send it to you on April 15th.
George Carlin: What about guys who tell you "I heard that." I heard that. Oh, you did, did you? Well, isn't this exciting? Did I walk into a Belltone commercial? Of course you heard me, you fuckin' nimrod, I'm standing right next to you! George Carlin: I'm gonna move down here. I'm gonna move a little farther away. BLOW ME! By any chance, did you hear that?
George Carlin: The next guy who says "Badda-boom badda-bing" to me is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts. George Carlin: Badda BOOM, mother fucker! Wanna try "badda bing"?
George Carlin: I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims. This is an outmoded idea; there are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case. George Carlin: Next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
George Carlin: And let me say this to you, my interesting, Judeo-Christian friends, not only... not only do I recommend crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings! George Carlin: Huh? Beheadings on TV? Slow motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill, and fall into one of five numbered holes. George Carlin: Huh? Yeah! Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is gonna fall into. George Carlin: And you do it in a stadium so the Mob can gamble on it, too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an ax, you do the beheadings with a hand saw! George Carlin: Hey, don't bail out on me now, God damn it! George Carlin: The blood is already on our hands; all we're talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate? We'll do the beheadings with an olive fork. George Carlin: That would be nice. And it would take a good, God damn long time.
George Carlin: What about boiling people in oil? Boy, those were the days, weren't they? George Carlin: You get the oil going real good, you know? A nice, high, rolling boil, and then slowly at the end of a rope, you lower the perpretrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about FUN SHIT! George Carlin: And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the Mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment; the kids'll love it. The kids'll love it. And at the same time they're enjoying themselves, we're teaching them a nice Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil; sponsor? Crisco! George Carlin: And maybe... maybe instead of boiling all these guys, every now and then you could French fry a couple of 'em, you know? French-fried felons; dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof, you know? Kind of a tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit, did he? George Carlin: No. Jeffrey Dahmer, eat your heart out! Which is an interesting thought in and of itself.
George Carlin: All right, enough nostalgia. What about some modern forms of capital punishment? How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publishers Clearing House? George Carlin: Okay, something a little more sophisticated: you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on angel dust. George Carlin: There's one guy that's not gonna be fucking with too many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here's something really nice you could do: you shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapault... right into a brick wall! George Carlin: Trouble is it would be over too quick; no good for TV, you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. George Carlin: Rapid fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapaults; while you're shooting off one, you're loading up the others. Of course, every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. George Carlin: Cleanliness. Right next to Godliness.
George Carlin: All right, high-tech. I sense some of youse are waitin' for high-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon and stick it up a guy's ass! George Carlin: A thermonuclear suppository! George Carlin: Preparation H-bomb! George Carlin: You talk about fallout, huh? Whoa! George Carlin: Or... you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick, you know? George Carlin: Yeah! A bomb in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going!
George Carlin: "Walking papers." You know? Guy gets fired, you say, "Geez, poor guy. They gave him his walking papers today." Did you ever get any walking papers? Seriously? Believe me, in my life, I've gotten fired a lot of times. You can tell. I never got any walking papers. I never got a pink slip either. You know what I would get? A guy would walk around to my desk and say, "Get the fuck out of here!" George Carlin: You don't need paper for that.
